Today I accept defeat in the ongoing battle of the coats. My strong willed 9-year old claims he is warm and does not need long sleeves or his winter coat. I disagree; when it is -3 and there is a wind chill warning, I feel it my maternal duty to play the role of my child's common sense until he is old enough for his own to kick in (sometime around age 30 I presume?). Today I give up the battle because it is simply not worth fighting. I will not ever win this argument on good terms, and I can't live that. I refuse to send my child to school day after day in a horrible mood b/c I am forcing him to wear what I think he should be wearing. To me it makes sense for him to dress warmly and I think he's ridiculous for arguing about it. But he doesn't see things the same way, and so every day we fight (and it does get ugly), and ultimately I win b/c I have the greater authority.
But to what end is my victory? I have peace of mind that my child will not be cold, but I am heartbroken b/c I have sent him to school angry with me. I win at the cost of leaving him feeling defeated and powerless to make his own choices. I am sending the message that he is too dumb to know what his body needs. Love and Logic would be appalled, and so am I. My insistence is doing more harm than good, I am not teaching him to use sense and protecting him from the elements, I am forcing my will upon him and robbing him of his agency. He is not a 2 year old anymore, and though we had the same battle back then, I realize he is now old enough to understand the consequences of this decision.
He says he is comfortable wearing short sleeves in his classroom, and so I need to trust him. He is willing to compromise on the coat issue, and I need to be as well. He has agreed to wear 2 lighter coats instead of the winter coat. And on very cold days he will wear gloves on his walk to school and keep them in his pockets so he has them for recess, just in case he wants them. This is a solution we can both live with, though I will still worry about him (as his mother I just can't help myself). I hope the staff at the school will not judge me too harshly based on what they see him wearing (or not wearing). I know next time I see a 9 year old not dressed warm enough, I will no longer silently blame his negligent mother. Chances are she's much smarter than I am, and figured all of this out much faster than I did.
5 comments:
After reading this I am ashamed to think of the times I passed judgement when I still worked on parents who sent their kids to school as you described. Maybe they faced strong willed kids like yours and made the same decision. The teachers would send the kids to me to see if I had heavy coats, scarves, hats and gloves that I could give them from items donated to the clinic. Many times they wouldn't let them go out for recess if not 'properly dressed'.
I admire you for giving Calin the chance to use his agency in spite of what you think. He may learn the hard way. Hopefully if he does he won't be too proud to admit you were right. Also I hope his example doesn't influence Naiya to want to do the same. You're a good mom, Kate to let him let him spread his wings and fly on this one. Keep us posted on what happens.
Linda makes a great point from the perspective of one who has worked in the schools and also she uncovers an interesting issue. Who is to judge what the "proper dress" is for colder weather? Yes I know that the first natural response is going to be that everyone knows what is proper because it is common sense, but we all have to remember that when we were in grade school we did not think the same way that we do now. I was one of those kids who didn't EVER dress warm enough for my mother's standards or even for the standards of "common sense", but I also didn't get that cold when I was younger and now I am a baby when it comes to freezing temps. Things change as we get older (obviously) and our perspectives are constantly shifting based on our new emotions and physical needs.
Kate I also commend you for not only recognizing the more important impacts that this battle could have, but realizing that in all reality he is going to be fine. Even if there is one day that he gets too cols and his hands go numb...that is just a rite of passage for kids anyway and maybe then he will start paying more attention to what his body is telling him. Most adults still have issues listening to what their bodies are telling them…I know I do. I love you!
Very good points. I remember never zipping my coat. And when I moved to Utah I never wore a coat. And flip flops were year round attire. Oh wait, they still are. To quote our father: "Lack of brains and the whole body suffers" Sometimes we bring on our own suffering. And if Calin is cold, he's smart enough to wear a coat. I like the 2 coat idea. It sounds like Calin.
Keri's comment about the unzipped coat (that I remember making her zip before she left the house knowing it would be immediately unzipped when out of sight) reminded me of my 'rebellion' against my mother's wishes. (I know it's hard to believe I'd actually rebel.) She used to make me wear a babushka to school. As soon as I rounded the corner by Andy's Hardware on my way to Irving off it came. Sure brings back memories. We all survived our own form of cold weather rebellion and Calin will too. It's also easier to make snowballs with gloves on.
Just had one other memory of David wearing shorts to LHS in the dead of winter. He's still wearing shorts in the winter and he's obviously still here.
Babuska.....great memory. I think the bottom line here is that (good for you) you switched sides. Satan does the forcing, ruling, arguing, demanding....AND THEN THERE'S THE AGENCY WE WERE GIFTED WITH BECAUSE WE FOUGHT FOR IT, THUS GAINING THIS 2ND ESTATE. He should be fine cuz usually the schools are hot enough to sufficate most people (but not me cuz i'm always cold)...and if he's not, he only gets to blame himself. Be happy....like you said, he's not 2.
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