The Refiner's Fire

I have been debating about whether or not I should write this post since it's more personal than I typically share here. It's probably best written in a journal, but I am really bad at keeping a journal, so this may be vague, but it will have to suffice.
This week at work we are saying goodbye to the preschoolers and celebrating the last days of school. The thing about having school aged children, and working at a school, is that to me this feels more like New Years than January 1st does. My school year has ended, and with it comes a new beginning; a time for setting goals and making changes. This is a year that I am happy to say goodbye to, it has a been rough one, to say the least.
I have faced a lot of challenges this year, challenges that have been very personal. I know I haven't posted on my blog lately. Other than a few gymnastics posts, I haven't posted anything since 2013. I didn't realize that until I looked at my blog today. For the last 4 months we have been caught up in our lives, just the humdrum boring stuff, going to work, driving the kids places, and everyday stresses. But also for the last 4 months things I have been trapped in my own little version of hell. I don't want to go into the details of this trial. There is no need. For me the hardest trials are those that exist inside my head, the ones that I can't actually do anything physically to change. It was a mental/spiritual journey that I was on, and it had to come from within. It was especially hard because I felt like I had no control over this situation. I was at the mercy of another person and my own emotions.
Because of the emotional nature of this trial, my spirit took a good beating. At first I found myself angry. I would go to bed with angry tears in my eyes and wake up even angrier. I was not fun to be around. I snapped at my children, I snapped at Darin. I was just mad. all. the. time. After about a month I finally realized what I was doing. I was stuck in my bad mood for so long I didn't even notice I was taking it all out on my family. Once I realized it, I stopped, but then I started internalizing my emotions and over the course of the next several months I became depressed. I cried myself to sleep every night. I woke up mad. Because a lot of this trial was based on the actions of another person, I found myself hating this person, and saying unkind things about them. I don't think I'm the kind of person that hates people, and I try not to gossip. But despite that, I turned into a very ugly person. I worked to get over my anger, but as soon as I would let go of one issue, another one would come up and I would be angry all over again. So the trial continued and so did my anger.
Finally one day it dawned on me that I did not have the spirit with me. I had stopped praying, I had stopped asking for help. I was lost and hurt and it was my own fault. And so I turned to Heavenly Father. I repented, I pleaded for help. I began to feel strengthened. I went to the temple, and I was optimistic that I could make it through these challenges. Things improved for a time (and by things, I mean my attitude about those things improved). But despite my best efforts I still found the challenge to be more than I could bear. I found myself slipping into despair. I didn't cook. I didn't clean. There was one day I couldn't even get out of bed. It had finally broken my spirit. It was shortly after that that I came to the realization that it was in my power to let go of this trial. Letting go would force me to swallow my pride and would cause me a lot of sadness, so I debated it for a long time. But I came to understand that it was the best thing for me, and for my family, and for everyone else involved. And so I let it go. I put an end to it, I severed ties, and I moved on to a path where I could heal. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But through it the Lord sustained me. Once I finally let it go I felt a physical burden lifted from my shoulders and out of my chest. I felt light and happy. And so very relieved.
We've been listening to the "Frozen" soundtrack in our home several times a day for the last few months, and I have sung "Let it Go" to myself more times than I could possibly count. It has been my mantra through this trial. One line describes perfectly what I felt after putting an end to the trial: "I know I left a life behind, but I'm too relieved to grieve." That is exactly how I feel. In order to move on I had to let go of something I really wanted. I worried that this would weigh on me heavily, but it doesn't. I am sad, but not in the same way. I know it's cheesy, but that entire song has helped me through this trial. It's like it was written for this moment of my life. It says "The fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all." When I sing it in my head I replace the word "fears" with "tears" and it's true. The emotions I was going through, my anger and my sadness, they consumed me throughout this trial. But like the song says "I'm never going back, the past is in the past." Seriously. So cheesy. But this song has spoken to my heart and given me strength.
I wish I could explain the trial in details so that I could better explain the spiritual journey I went through. Heavenly Father helped me through a very dark time in my life. I relied on him in ways I didn't know I knew how. I let him change me from the inside. He helped me to be meek and submissive in ways that are opposite from my natural man. He helped me see my own faults and errors. I thought that walking away from this trial would disappoint him, because I know we are supposed to pray for strength to handle trials, not pray for them to end. But it turns out I was wrong about the trial I was facing. My trial was the refiner's fire. It was meant to humble me before him, and to teach me to turn my will over to his. I knew he gave me that trial for a reason, but I was wrong about the reason. It was never the trial I thought it was, it was simply a way to strengthen me spiritually.
And now I'm left wondering what is coming. What am I going to have to face that is so important that my spirit needed to be broken and rebuilt before I could face it? I have my suspicions, but I also have peace. I have pleaded with Heavenly Father for a period of peace in my life before that big trial hits, and I feel he is granting me that. I also know that I will face many challenges leading up that trial, but that those challenges will in no way break me like this last one did, but will instead push me enough to strengthen me and prepare me for what is to come.
Heavenly Father knows what he's doing. Of course he does. There is a reason for all of it. And for me, for here and now, that reason is change. And so I accept his will for my life. I will humble myself before him and I will change. When I speak about preschool ending and a new chapter in my life beginning, I mean it. It's not just that school has ended, with this trial over, the darkness has lifted and I can clearly see his hand in my life.
All these months that I've been in despair he has been showering us with blessings I couldn't really perceive. Darin got a new, better paying job, and he is happier there. After 90 days this new job gave him a nice raise. I will be getting more hours at work when I go back in the fall. And to top it all off, we've just found out Darin's work will give Calin a $300 sponsorship for gymnastics. The financial blessings we've been praying for for so long are finally being granted. I was so wrapped up in my struggles that I couldn't comprehend the magnitude of those blessings.

But again that confirms to me that something is coming. Something we need to be both spiritually and financially ready for. But it will be okay. I know that. Heavenly Father allows us to be challenged for his own purposes, so that we might be more valuable to him and to those around us. My testimony of that is stronger than it ever has been, and because of the nature of that trial, I can't really share it publicly. And so it must exist only in my heart and on this paper. I intended this entry to be for my blog, but even without details it feels too personal to share. This challenge was for me and me alone.
And so there is nothing left to do but to begin anew. Heavenly Father has some things in mind for me. I will wait and see what they are. In the meantime, the freedom I feel from being released from this trial is overwhelming (in an amazing way). I know that along with the spiritual and financial changes we are making, that we are to make physical changes as well. This is a time to improve our weight and our health. So I intend to focus this summer on maintaining a healthy diet and exercise. And in the fall the kids will be back in school and I will be back in work, and we will meet another new beginning. I must make the most of these times, and use them as the Lord would have me do. I just pray that I will understand his will and always be willing to submit to it.
And so I leave with one last thought, the serenity prayer, because it took me a while to become wise enough to know the difference.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.